By Glynn Wilson

    How long has it been since you got this call at 8 a.m.?

    "Is this Mr. Wilson (insert your name or the ubiquitous `man, woman of the house')?"

    "Yes, who is this? I was asleep."

    "We're offering a one-time, limited SPECIAL OFFER on Caller ID for your phone service and . . . "

    "Hold on, stop right there. Had that. Don't want it. It's a rip-off. Most of the numbers are out of state and don't show up in the box. The REAL people who you want to know called program themselves anonymous, like bill collectors and ex-girlfriends (or boyfriends, depending). And how much do you charge anyway, $4.50 a month plus box rental? Is this SPECIAL OFFER the same one I got three years ago in Georgia?"

    "Sorry sir, if you would just let me explain I'm sure you'll want to take advantage of this MARVELOUS service at the low price we're offering TODAY ONLY of . . . ."

    Click!

    It was too early in the morning so I didn't remember the Seinfeld method of getting rid of telemarketers.

    "I'm a little busy right now. Can you give me your home phone number? I'll call you back later." (Short pause).

    "Oh, you won't give me your number because you don't want me to call you at home? Now you know how I feel."

    Click!

    As I lay back down trying to catch a few more ZZZs, it dawned on me that the world is full of interesting rip-offs, scams, and capitalistic hood-winking in the information age. Mark Twain would have a field day.

    Tried to make a phone call from a pay phone lately? It's now 35 cents. Try putting two quarters in and getting change back. Forget it.

    Remember when the nice Southern Bell operator would return your dime through the change slot if the phone took it inadvertently? Pay phones are still made with change slots, but for some reason they don't work anymore. Can you say corporate greed?

    Guess what you have to do to get a 15-cent credit on your phone bill? Mail a letter. Done that lately? One 32-cent stamp please. Right! I wonder how much the phone companies made off that one last year?

    Have you moved in the past few years? That will be $40 to hit a computer key or switch and change the address on your phone bill, whether it's on the other coast or upstairs in the same building. Can you switch local phone companies? Of course not. That would be competition.

    But wait, it's not just the phone company. The power company charges $30 to switch you over. The cable TV company charges $20, and you have to pay the first month plus fees in advance, even if you've paid your bill on time (well, almost) for the past 20 years!

    Used an ATM machine recently? That will be $1 to get $10 of your own money. That's 10 percent, and you can't just get $5. Bounced a check? That will be $22 for the bank, $20 to the business, and all for a $1.99 loaf of bread.

    And they like to say the federal government is the problem.

    The only thing wrong with the federal government (other than a certain prosecutor's obsession with Bill Clinton's sex life) is that it does not have enough offices to investigate corporate fraud. Did you know that in Knoxville, the only federal government offices listed in the blue pages under Justice Department are law enforcement agencies? All three of them deal primarily with drug cases. After all, everyone knows that Knoxville is a major drug conduit from Columbia to Los Angeles.

    Even in Nashville, there is no corporate fraud division. For that you have to call the state government, an agency with the highly descriptive name the Tennessee Regulatory Authority. They do have a website by the way, although the on-line complaint form will be disabled for an undisclosed time period and for an undisclosed reason. And it is listed on the front page of your phone book, as if you would know what it was if you happened to look.

    I must confess this rant is a little more serious than it seems, since it occurred to me during that lost hour of sleep that my phone had rung constantly for two days, with the digital beep of a telemarketing firm the only sound at the other end of the line.

    Could this be a pattern? Were they harassing me with calls from deep inside some computer cubicle to put me in the MOOD to buy Caller ID? What a marketing strategy.

    Stay tuned. The Tennessee Regulatory Authority is on it.

    By the way, don't bother trying to find out the Bell South vice president in charge of masterminding this scheme (or highly profitable business venture, depending on your point of view).

    After about 16 phone calls, I found out they farm out the telemarketing to a contractor called InfoTrack. Wonder how much it gets for every Caller ID customer signed up?

    I'm not sure what city it's in yet, since both companies listed with LONG DISTANCE INFORMATION under the business name InfoTrack — one in California, the other in Georgia — claim they never even heard of BellSouth, and certainly don't do any contracting for them.

    It seems that in the information age, we shall have to toss out the old journalistic maxim that you can find out anything you want to know in six phone calls or less. It now takes 16, primarily due to computerized answering systems (or perhaps the high school education system).

    Then, of course, by the time you get to the right number, the office is closed for the day. Click! Aaarrggh!!!@#$%&*+!!! ).

    If you get a series of digitized calls — which knock you off-line, interrupt an important conversation with your mother, or just wake you up — and then you get the call for Caller ID service, don't just say CLICK! Get even.

    Look on the front page of your telephone book, find the number for the Tennessee Regulatory Authority, and file a complaint. If enough people call and write, the U.S. Attorney may get involved, or perhaps the Federal Trade Commission. As a form of social activism, it sure beats the hell out of bombing abortion clinics.

A condensed version of this column appeared in Metropulse, Knoxville's alternative weekly, Oct. 22, 1998.

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