The Southerner Journal

Note: I’d like to claim authorship, but these actually came across e-mail. Enjoy! -ron

A lawyer and a Southerner are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Southerners are so dumb that he could get over on them easy…So the lawyer asks if the Southerner would like to play a fun game.

The Southerner is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. He explains, “I’ll ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500”. This catches the Southerner’s attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?” The Southerner doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the Southerner’s turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Southerner and hands him $500. The Southerner pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He finally wakes the Southerner up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The Southerner reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University ofTennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.’

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. ‘Where’s Henry?’ the others asked.

‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied.

‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.

‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, ‘Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head’.

‘Yep’, he replied. ‘That’s why I dumpin it here, cause it says ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .’ When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’

Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’

The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, ‘Got any I.D.?’

The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’

The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’

The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’

And this from South Carolina

“You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.”

For those of you blissfully unaware, the savior of Golden Eagles’ football faces a dilemma of whether to return to the Land of Cheese and pacify both his flock and his folly.

Brett Favre, known in these parts first for taking little ol’ Southern Miss to its first 10-win season in over 35 years, went on to do a few things in that professional league too. Folks up there practically built shrines for the guy who made the Pack relevant again.

Now it seems Mr. Wrangler might want to play (though he denied it) and doesn’t really care if it’s for a new set of worshipers or the old (after all, those Greek gods did all right switchin’ to the Romans, didn’t they?). And all the talking heads are in a twitch.

Well Brett, I’m here to tell ya don’t do it son. True, you just enjoyed personal records for yards-per-attempt and completion percentage. True, you nearly returned to the game with million-dollar halftime commercials. True, that kid they’re trying to replace you with doesn’t even know enough not to insult the fans.

But let’s be honest, that just makes you look better in hindsight. From now until eternity, every Cheesehead in America will have to admit, “You know, that Bart Starr was a damn good quarterback, but he wasn’t a Favre.”

Which brings me to my point in a rather roundabout manner. You’ve still got NFL glory to attain by never getting on the field again and breaking the damn curse.

As you know, every Madden coverboy has been cursed with maybe the exception of Vince Young (and he’s just a kid, so we’ll see). The quarterback choices - Culpepper, Vick, McNabb - read like a “Who’s Who in Misery.”

Well, coverboy, I think the Madden folks thought they’d break the curse by paying tribute to arguably the best quarterback ever as he stepped away from the game. But they didn’t count on that unquenchable fire that drives you to be the best at anything you do.

What do people really expect? You’re in maybe the best shape of your life and feeling at the top of your game. And maybe if you’re wearing a different jersey than what’s on the cover, maybe the curse would bypass you.

But do you really want to take that chance? I mean, this ain’t basketball or golf we’re talking about. Don’t you remember watching Joe Theismann’s bone coming out of his skin? He was trying to play a young man’s game, a savage game, a game where reputations are made by taking down someone with a reputation.

And do you really have anything left to prove? Let’s see, the Associated Press’ only three-time NFL MVP in history with stats littering the record book because, if nothing else, you were really good for a long time.

Now I know you’re getting an itch and you don’t really know what to do with yourself. After all, chores on 465 acres must be a little tiresome. After all, you’re only 38 — there’s got to be more in life than this. Right?

Relax, there is. A virtual fountain of youth that will keep your competitive juices ratcheted up to a point of quiver. No, no, I’m not talkin’ about NASCAR, though Mark Martin plans to show everyone that 50 is the new 30. Why who’s to say you couldn’t get behind the wheel of one of those things and cause a ruckus?

Nah, I’ve got something better than that. I’m talking about the real deal that keeps real men up nights in a cold sweat — bass fishin’.

Oh, my … the beauty of landing a HOG! Real men around America will set up shrines to you right next to the wooden lure that caught their grandpappy’s hog, which still hangs on their wall (even if it’s in the garage) because they didn’t dare sit it on the curb once he’d gone to the great pond in the sky. And there’s a little cross-over to football, i.e. you still want to be close but not tangled up in cover.

You can still catch the August FLW season just to see what next year’s competition will be. There’s plenty of cool stuff to buy, so that lil’ fortune you made won’t be wasted. Instead of being on TV on Sundays through the football seasons, you could be on TV every Sunday with your own show.

Besides, everybody knows any day spent fishin’ must be a damn good day.

Kentucky basketball museum closes - http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/news/story?id=3470465

ATLANTA (Oct. 27) - Water problems abound in Georgia, leading to $1,000 fines and jail terms for people who’ve watered their lawns at night, as well as this toon from my dad.